Today I am sad.

I am losing my 5th pregnancy. All have been around the 5 week mark so thankfully I need no intervention, I can just sit at home and feel sorry for myself whilst nature takes care of the detail.

The story is the same with each miscarriage, I pee on a stick, get excited, get nervous, get excited again, nudge my horizon out to include bringing up a child, even dredge up my list of favoured names (‘dont mind if it’s a boy or girl so long as it’s healthy’ – never has that sounded more crass) get a bit more excited that possibly this time it is actually gonna happen then 2 days later the cramping & bleeding starts.

In this chapter I found out at work on Wednesday. Peeing whilst hovering in the disabled loo I quickly shoved the cap back on the test and popped it back in the foil wrapper and stuffed it in my waistband to take the designated 3 minute walk back to my office where I could read it in privacy.

Pure elated joy is always masked by a mild fear of grief nowadays.

I immediately told my 3 closest colleagues (which Jon was later horrified at) and when I got home I told my parents because I’d never actually told them I was pregnant in the past – they only ever got the bad news.

The following night I was trying to find the best roasting dish to roast our veggies for tea. We both wanted chips from town but I put my foot down in a wannabe matriarchal manner, and informed Jon that we both needed our veggies.

As the pan cupboard was a tip I thought I’d sit down on the floor rather than bending over as I wouldnt want to strain anything. Period like cramps started there on the kitchen floor at Week 4 day 5, 3 hours later I started bleeding.

Perhaps we should have had chips after all.

I woke up at 5am this morning and preferring not to lay in bed with my thoughts I started cleaning everything in sight but besides bringing on 2 heavy nose bleeds and a headache it has achieved nothing. I have now relented and am about to curl up with Audrey Hepburn.

I apologise for the intimacy of this post but this is the one place I can be totally honest without offending or upsetting anyone else.

Forever in hope, Janie xx

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About HedgeComber

A Field-to-Fork food blogger based on a small farm in Cornwall, UK.
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10 Responses to Today I am sad.

  1. MaryPoppins says:

    What a very heart felt post and don’t apologise for talking about your feeling like this, in my humble opinion it is very healthy to talk so freely and can only be helpful in your grieving processI am thinking of you and wish I was there to give you hug LoveMaryX

  2. sam_acw says:

    So sorry for you.

  3. Thinking of you.Take care Yvonne x

  4. Claire says:

    Don’t be sorry. I wish more people could be open about it so it would be more understood.Lots of loveClaire xx

  5. angel says:

    Bless your heart honey.Love you so much. X x X x X x X

  6. melissa s. says:

    I know that pain very well. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I lean on Audrey when I’m down, too. Take care.

  7. My thoughts go out to you to you at this time. Take very good care of yourself.Cherry x

  8. Lace hearts says:

    I’ve been thinking of you so much. It is heartbreaking. Big hugs, lovely you. xxxxxxx

  9. Trish says:

    {{{hugs}}} sweetie xxx

  10. Mrs Crafty says:

    I have just read this and didn’t really know how to respond, but thank you for sharing as I felt just like you once and didn’t have anywhere to write it. God Bless. xx

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