I am losing my 5th pregnancy. All have been around the 5 week mark so thankfully I need no intervention, I can just sit at home and feel sorry for myself whilst nature takes care of the detail.
The story is the same with each miscarriage, I pee on a stick, get excited, get nervous, get excited again, nudge my horizon out to include bringing up a child, even dredge up my list of favoured names (‘dont mind if it’s a boy or girl so long as it’s healthy’ – never has that sounded more crass) get a bit more excited that possibly this time it is actually gonna happen then 2 days later the cramping & bleeding starts.
In this chapter I found out at work on Wednesday. Peeing whilst hovering in the disabled loo I quickly shoved the cap back on the test and popped it back in the foil wrapper and stuffed it in my waistband to take the designated 3 minute walk back to my office where I could read it in privacy.
Pure elated joy is always masked by a mild fear of grief nowadays.
I immediately told my 3 closest colleagues (which Jon was later horrified at) and when I got home I told my parents because I’d never actually told them I was pregnant in the past – they only ever got the bad news.
The following night I was trying to find the best roasting dish to roast our veggies for tea. We both wanted chips from town but I put my foot down in a wannabe matriarchal manner, and informed Jon that we both needed our veggies.
As the pan cupboard was a tip I thought I’d sit down on the floor rather than bending over as I wouldnt want to strain anything. Period like cramps started there on the kitchen floor at Week 4 day 5, 3 hours later I started bleeding.
Perhaps we should have had chips after all.
I woke up at 5am this morning and preferring not to lay in bed with my thoughts I started cleaning everything in sight but besides bringing on 2 heavy nose bleeds and a headache it has achieved nothing. I have now relented and am about to curl up with Audrey Hepburn.
I apologise for the intimacy of this post but this is the one place I can be totally honest without offending or upsetting anyone else.
Forever in hope, Janie xx